Four years....

Well today marks four years since that "dreaded day". If you have just tuned into my life today marks the day I lost my dear sweet baby at birth. His name is Jaxson Clark today he would have been four years old.  The loss of Jaxson changd my life forever. The first 3 years were awful for me.I couldnt get up out of bed on the anniversery of his death. I never had it in me. Then something happened, something just changed over the last year I dont know what it is or why the change but this year has by far been the easiest for me to get through.
I am comforted in some ways that it was an easy day for me to get through but at same time its almost scary that I got through it. I know I got through this because of the great friends I have online and real life. I have come to terms with a lot of things. And although his loss will be with me always its not what defines the day or me. This year is much easier but it doesnt make the loss any less. This year Jaxson is celebrating his fourth angel day not alone but with his great grandfaher who passed away in July. Maybe that is why this year is so much easier..
We had planned to release balloons today to Jaxson from Skyler and I however we havent gotten it done yet we will before the weekend is over.

Family

I have always been very close to my dads side of the family. Many of my cousins are old enough to be my Aunts or Uncles. Its never bothered me at all. We love each other the same. Since July things seem to have been very tense within our family. Why might someone looking from the outside in ask.. Well lets see here Grandpa passed away in July and two of his sons have gotten extremly greedy. And I do mean extremly. I was appalled at the way they were acting and behaving. I know Grandpa would be rolling over in his grave if he saw the way they have been. The day of the funeral they started talking about what to sell, what to keep all of this with Grandma just sitting there. They wanted to sell off EVERYTHING.  They backed down on that one and they "sold" a few things to each other. My dad got the boat.. and that seems very fitting- dad and I always borrowed the boat to go out on the river or the lake to go boating. Uncle B got the truck its what he wanted again that seems fitting since Uncle B lives in Mt Shasta and gets lots of snow. The one that suprises me since Grandpa always said Matt or I would get was the Jeep it stayed in the family so thats all good but it went to Cousin Little B.  I know he will take good care of it just sad to see it go to someone who 1. already has it 2 knowing that Grandpa always said it would go to Matt or I.. oh well.. such is life.
 Now that they have moved Grandma into a nursing home, they want to clear out the house and rent it to someone. I guess Grandma threw a fit over it. Gee I cant blame her.. That is her home and she doesnt want to let go. I am seriously hoping they dont do it. I think if they do the uncles who are "in control" of things will have one VERY pissed off Granddaughter on their doorstep. Yes I might be 1800 miles away but IT is Grandmas wishes they need to consider and follow through with not with their own Greed. I hope when they are old and alone their own children DO NOT treat them the way they are treating their mom.
Yes, the answer is I am being selffish about the house. It is truely the only home I have ever known that remained the same all these years. No matter where life took me it was someplace I could come home to. When I go home to visit it will not be teh same I cant just go pop in and see Grandma, stay the night in my bedroom or go hang out in the backyard and remember all the fun I had in it growing up. I want the house to stay in the family. I dont want to see other people in it. I want to know when I go home to california I can still go HOME to a house where I was always welcomed and loved in.A house where I grew up in. I never had that we moved a lot. I know a couple of my cousins and one uncle feels the same its HOME. and its just not the same now. Please keep the house accessible to those of us who feel it is our only HOME. I need a place to go and just veg out in a place to cry and grieve still over grandpa I need the feeling of security that the house makes me feel. Its a place that I am truely myself.. Please oh please keep it that way for a while longer.
Grandpa make the boys see what they are doing  its tearing the family apart. There is no unity now its all about greed etc. and thats NOT how you raised this family. I pray hard for grandma I know her heart is breaking seeing what the boys are doing to her. My dad keeps trying to do right by him but the "other 2" wont let it be they are GREEDY.. 

OUTRAGED..

I dont know what has me more pissed off and upset.

why????? Click this link and it will shock, outrage and piss you off.
Well at least it did for me I dont know if its becuase I lost a baby to still birth and I was NOT treated the way the lady in New Jeresy was treated. I cant belive the way they are treating it. Its like oh your baby didnt matter because it didnt live. Well damnit let me tell you something it does matter, it was someones living child even though it only lived inside of them. IT still deserves better than be tossed in the trash. The child still deserves a death certificate ( yes its not as good as a birth certificate) HOWEVER it does say YES this child was a part of you and was living at some point.
How could any human being just toss a child that you see the parent walk it to the morgue in teh garbage knowing the parent wanted to do a service for them.
Now you know if the cards were turned and the mom had delivered at home and the same thing happened and she threw the baby in the garbage she would be sent to jail, and serve time in prison.  The system just sucks.
After having gone through my own loss of a child at birth, I feel awful for this young mother and her 5 year old child. I want her to know that her child shouldnt have been thought of in the way it was. That it was a living being person. That she deserves to have it treated with utmost respect etc. IT was a persons child , something very real  to this mom. I mean its hard enough to take that you dont have your baby to go home with. Can we imagine how it feels to hear the words Oh.. by the way we cant find your sons corpse we think we threw him out wiht the TRASH. That baby wasnt trash it was loved by the mother and her family. I am sure the sibling loved him as well.
I pray for this mom that she sees justice served. I hope after an incident like this New Jersey changes the way things are done. I hope they change it to where a child who is born still gets a death certificate, Hell make it one step better do like california and give the parent a certificate of birth its different than a certificate of live birth and it helps in the grieving.

Sad.... ( again)

I just dont know where to begin. Last night we ( my sister and I) found out that they are putting my grandma in a nursing home. I so dont agree to it but who am I to tell that to the family. They say Grandma is too much work and requires to much help. Ok I am not there because I live 2000 miles away and I dont see the day to day stuff that is required of her but I know what Grandpas last wishes seemed to be and it was NOT to see her in a nursing home, assisted care or not. He wanted her in her house the house she has known forever. Its her forever place. Hell its my forever place its where I can call home no matter what life brings me I know that I can go home to Grandmas house. Now I have no forever home. I feel like I am being selffish. I know deep down I am not selffish about it.
I know that taking Grandma from the home she knows best while she is in her later years will only make her go that much faster. Its not fair to her she just lost her husband in July, the only one who truely cared for her the way she needed to be cared for. Grandpa didnt want to go to heaven alone he even asked Grandma if she was ready and she said no Ill come later. Ok.. I am sure Grandpa thought the boys would take care of her the way he did. I am guessing Grandpa thought they wouldnt put her in a Assisted Living home. I am guessing becuase of the size of hte family we have he would have assumed that someone would step up to teh plate and take care of her. We know that Grandma wont live forever but why not let her live out her final days in the house they had together. I just dont understand it.  I keep hoping for a sign that its ok. The Stubbornness in me says get on a plane and go ask Grandma myself what she wants if she wants to stay where they are putting her or if she wants to live at her house with her things. And if she says she wants to live in her own house get her and go out and take her back to her house and stay with her til her final days. I know that seems like a lot for a 31 year old to take on but I always said I would move home and care for them in there dying days. They cared for all of us while we were growing up shouldnt we give them the same respect as they get older? Maybe Im not making any sense but in my head it all makes sense.
Grandma and Grandpa have a dog and now that Grandma is being put in a nursing home they are saying the dog isn't doign all that well. No shit the dog has lost the only person that has known. My grandpa was everythign to the dog. Animals grieve. and like with humans grief is different for everyone. He is just sad people get over it, let him live out his doggy life. Give him extra loves and cuddles dont just say he isnt doing well and put him down. I know thats what they are going to do and its unfair. Send me Rover he will fit in great with my two dogs and I would be happy to let him live out his life happy and LOVED.

Ok so for those of you who think im being selfish oh well I have a right to feel the way I do. I have the right to have these feelings and NOONE can take them away from me. For those of you who agree Thanks I apperciate it. Family should care for family and thats jsut the way its suppose to be.



I

Public School Vent

So ever since Skyler and I have moved from California to Texas we have been blessed by a good school, awesome teachers and a decent counseling staff and principal. This year is way different and not just because Skyler is in the 3rd grade. I think alot of it has to do with the teacher he has. She is way to vague in what she tells Skyler. Skyler is someone who is very methodical in his thoughts and actions. He needs things explained in great detail. All of this is in his school profile, and I spoke to her about it before school started as well as at our parent teacher conference in early October. At that she told me what a great student Skyler was and he was an A student, never gave her any problems. That was 3 weeks ago. What in the world could change in 3 weeks? In the last 3 weeks , Skylers grades have dropped to very low grades, he doesnt understand what the teacher is saying or expecting, he gets confused with what she says. I tried calling today to set up an appointment to speak to the principal to o over my concerns with this teacher and Skylers performance. The principal never returned my call today so I plan on calling again tomorrow and the next day until he is willing to see me.
This whole situation brings me to the question do I keep Skyler in public school, homeschool, or do a private school? I am seriously thinking a private school is going to be the way I go for him. Its more one on one teacher student interaction. I know he will excel again in a setting like that.
I also question how much homework is  a  3rd grader suppose to have. he comes home every night with a packet, plus a handwritting paper, and spelling words that he is to write 3 times, and 3 other activiites that he is required to do.
We are trying to research the best thing for Skyler is it letting him finish the school year and think he is a bad student or homeschool, or do a private school.. We are leaning towards the last two......... with homeschool until the semester break in Jan then doing a private school. Any opinions?

If you dont want the truth dont read it..

Well for as long as I can remember I have always been one to say what I am thinking and mean what I am saying. Seems that sometimes I am that way to a fault. As previous postings on my blog have shown me and in other places. I have decided something though.. Its as easy as not clicking to open things up if you dont want to read what I have to say. We are all allowed to have our own opinion and allowed to express it. Or at least I thought we all were.Maybe I am wrong but last time I checked it was OK.
I am not going to bow down to anyone.. and I dont expect people to bow down to me ( as some might think). I used to roll over and do what everyone wanted me to do but guess what its not happening anymore. Kinda like me changing jobs this summer yeah times were tough when I did it but guess what I am so much happier now. If I dont like something in my life I will be the one changing it not because someone tells me to but because I want to.
My life seriously consists of work, Skyler and working my second job and anything else just takes a back burner.

WOW....

Today was my first day in my new position. It really is a lot of fun... but  alot of work as well. I am changing up the classroom I am in. The teacher that I am replacing was slightly unorganized and kept things that didnt need to be kept. I am doing major FALL Cleaning.  I am hoping to get a good routine in the next two days for the kids. Today was fly by the seat of my pants. I really dont like that.. But it worked and the kids were pretty well behaved. I brought home work which is totally nice. Especially since it involves Fun things like getting cubby tags ready.      
I came home and was available to get Skylers hair cut, cook dinner and have a relaxing evening at home. That just didnt happen when I worked til  630pm. 
However after I relaxed things got kinda crazy.. But oh well such is life.. For those of you who have read my blog and read the post @@ not many would know what it was in regards to.. But it caused drama.. Was I trying to stir the pot.. Nope I was just posting my feelings on something. Did people blow it out of the ballpark yep.. Someone is done with me.. Wow.. is my world crashing down on me NOPE. I actually feel sorry for the person who is done with me. I have known for a while this person was the type to blow HOT and COLD however I tried to look past it because I really liked them. The last few months though something has been different about them I am not sure what but something. I am really disappointed that they couldnt keep a professional relationship just that and a personal relationship just that. The two should never cross paths. I was able to remain professional when I ordred something.. But my order has been canceled because of something that happened privately... Oh well.. Lost business is lost business for this person. Yeah I didnt give this person a lot of buisness but any busisness is good buisness in this day and age.